There is a dangerous, revolutionary group that has a long history of violence and is driven by a fanatical religious belief that they were chosen by God. They have infiltrated our state and country and are a threat to our way of life and our very existence.
We must, at a minimum, make those who are here register, establish surveillance on their places of worship and keep others from coming to our country.
I’m talking about the Presbyterians.
First, a little history. The Presbyterians are a tribal people originally found in Scotland. They have a long history of revolution and violence dating back to the 16th century.
Their so-called “faith” began with the Reformation when these dangerous radicals successfully overturned the stable and peaceful rule of the pope and the Catholic Church. This led to centuries of sectarian conflicts and wars that continues down to today in many parts of the world.
They have a very strange tenet of their faith that they are “elected” by God and somehow they are therefore special and can do all sorts of wicked things because they are “God’s people.” What’s worse, they justify whatever evil things that happen (or they cause to happen) by claiming it is “predestination.”
According to this bizarre doctrine, things are “predestined” by God — so whatever happens, they say it’s how God wants it to be.
Their strange belief that they (not others) know what God wants has caused them to frequently have schism and divisions within their ranks (sort of like the Sunnis and Shias in Islam).
Their sects are called by all sorts of initials — Presbyterian Church in the Unites States (PCUSA), Presbyterian Church of America (PCA), Orthodox Presbyterian Church (OPC), Evangelical Presbyterian Church (EPC) and the Evangelical Covenant Order of Presbyterians (ECO). And these are just the big ones; there are at least a dozen other smaller branches, each convinced that they know directly from God “The Truth.”
These Presbyterians have their own strange customs of dress which can lead straight to sexual perversion. Scotsmen wear a kilt of many different plaids to signify their tribes. Now, a kilt is just a dress on a man and why any heterosexual man would want to wear a dress — especially in the cold weather of Scotland — is beyond me.
We should all beware, for if they can force men to wear dresses, this can lead to all sorts of cross-dressing, gender identity issues and just plain sexual perversion. (All of this makes the controversy about Muslim women wearing headscarves pale in comparison).
Presbyterians have historically and today been fixated on starting schools to indoctrinate the youth in their teachings and forcing them into religious obedience. Either directly or via wealthy individual Presbyterian zealots, they have established more than 100 seminaries, colleges and universities (indoctrination centers masquerading as schools) where they teach their dangerous ideas to our young people.
The most famous schools (or indoctrination centers) are Princeton, Washington and Lee, Carnegie Mellon University, the University of Pittsburgh, University of Tennessee, University of California at Berkeley and many others.
And we as Americans should be ashamed as we have failed to be vigilant in preventing these Presbyterian zealots from infiltrating every part of our society. We have had seven of these dangerous Presbyterians become president — including Andrew Jackson, Woodrow Wilson (his father was actually a Presbyterian minister or “cleric,”) Dwight Eisenhower and Ronald Reagan.
The most recent of these theological tyrants to aspire to the presidency to undermine our American values is none other than Donald Trump.
They are a real threat, not only here in the U.S., but in Europe as well. The have most recently tried to establish a Presbyterian “caliphate” by breaking away from the United Kingdom to form their own independent country. (See the Scottish independence referendum earlier this year).
And perhaps most troubling of all, they have taken a vile tribal custom and perpetrated it on others — far beyond just their tribe — under the guise of a game. I’m talking about golf, of course.
Just think of what damage they have done to the social fabric of our nation by convincing grown men (and women too) to dress up in golf clothes and waste countless hours walking through empty green spaces hitting little balls into holes. Instead, these people should be doing productive work in air conditioned offices and keeping the wheels of our great national economy turning.
We in South Carolina should be on the highest of high alerts as we are literally at ground zero among these religious fanatics. A recent study found that the highest concentration of Presbyterians in America is centered in a 50-mile radius around Charlotte.
So, what should we do to protect ourselves from this huge and immediate threat? There are several things we can do and we must do now.
First, we should register all the Presbyterians in one big national registry. There are 1.6 million of these people and we need to know who they are, where they live and what they are doing.
We can begin by making all Presbyterian churches turn over their membership rolls and if they resist, we can send in the SWAT team to seize the records. (Once we figure out how to do this with the 2.7 million Muslims in the U.S., handling 1.6 million Presbyterians should be easy).
Second, we can close all their indoctrination centers (i.e. seminaries, colleges and universities) and we can begin with Presbyterian College in Clinton, South Carolina. (How brazen are they to actually flaunt the name of their radical sect in the name of the school).
Third, we can ban the wearing of kilts, playing of bagpipes, eating of Scottish shortbread and the drinking of Scotch. (All you Scotch drinkers must understand that no sacrifice is too great in defense of our homes and families).
Fourth, we need to close our borders to these people. Why should we allow them to invade our homeland, create sexual confusion among our young people and subject us to the screeching sounds of their bagpipe calls to worship?
And if all this fails, we can either set up internment camps or force them on a long march to Oklahoma. It worked with the Japanese and the Native Americans and if we must, we can always do it again.
The question before us all is what will we do to protect our values as a state and nation, preserve the sexual identity of our children and ensure the purity of our society?
No price is too high to pay.
(Full disclosure: The author is the son of a Presbyterian minister with family roots in Scotland.)
Phil Noble is a businessman in Charleston and president of the S.C. New Democrats, an independent reform group started by former Gov. Richard Riley. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.